Week One Sober

So far, so good. It feels good to have a little bit of control over my life and not wake up every morning in regret. This is what my week has consisted of:

  • Headaches
  • Anxiety
  • Foggy head
  • Constipation
  • A lot more sleep
  • Restlessness
  • Boredom
  • Stomach pain
  • Oily hair and skin
  • Hunger
  • 1kg or so weight loss (just fluid I guess)
  • A few cravings
  • Forgetfulness 

There is probably more but like I say, forgetfulness…..

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Another Sober Day

So it’s been a day or two since my last post. I’ve now been Sober 5 days… I think. Days have become a little foggy. I’m not sure if this dazed feeling is alcohol withdrawal or the diazepam building up in my system.

Tonight I had a few more cravings than normal, this will be due to spending the day and most the night alone. I would always drink alone. The cravings were soon killed with an intense pain in my abdomen. I was in so much pain I was in tears for a good hour and contemplating a trip to the hospital. I gave it a bit more time and the pain become less severe. I am assuming it is due to the changes from my liquid only diet now causing some constipation… I hope.

Other than the cravings, pain and increased anxiety I’m doing pretty good.

84 Hours Sober

I’m on day four of quitting alcohol. This is the longest period of time since I was 16. At 16 I gave up alcohol for one year. I think it’s now time to give it up for good. I drink too much, I’m not in control, I feel guilty and I feel ill.

The first 24 hours of being sober were ok. I was constantly thinking about going to get a beer but other than that I was fine. Towards the end of the day I popped some codeine and some diazepam. It’s going to be a struggle not replacing booze with pills. The diazepam does nothing for me, I don’t feel any effects from it. But the codeine relaxes me and does make me feel a little “drunk”, so I have to watch myself. I’ve been taking both of these drugs for years now; not to get a high out of them but for prescribed reasons. I think I will need them for the next few days anyway. Oh and food… I was eating a lot of crap on day one.

Yesterday was my day 2. The morning was fine, I felt fairly normal. Late morning was a little bit different. I was heading to my therapist and decided I’d take some Diaz before I went in. I pulled up in the car and went to get some out of the glove box and to my surprise they were gone. I had forgotten I’d taken then out the day before. My anxiety level began to rise at that point but not to a dangerous level. I went inside, had my session and then all was ok again. In the evening I headed out to the pistol club which I’m a member of and was sighting in my rifle. I had a little shoot and then headed home. I thought I was fine. I wasn’t. It was almost like I had forgotten how to drive on the road. I nearly turned onto the wrong side of the street and the whole way home I really had to think about what I was doing. I know I did take Diazepam yesterday but don’t remember when so I don’t know if it was the effects of the drugs or the fuzziness of alcohol withdrawal. My bet is withdrawal.

So it’s now day three. I woke up from what I feel was a much deeper sleep than usual. I got a text from a cousin who I’m helping out today, that has put me in a bad mood. I already want today to be over. I have to go sit at my cousins place so the cable guys can sort out her internet, I don’t know how I’ll entertain myself for a few hours. I forgot to mention how bored I’ve been over the past couple of days; but I don’t feel like doing anything. Drugs are going to be a problem… Or a great helper. I’m already thinking about getting out of bed and popping the Diaz.

I haven’t told anyone of this decision to be sober, well only my therapist. And now whoever is just read this.

How I have managed my mental illness

In this post I am going to try and outline what I do to stay relatively sane through my struggles with anxiety, depression, dissociation, PTSD and Agoraphobia; well they are the boxes the professionals have put me in anyway. My coping strategies are probably strategies to stay clear off, i’m not claiming these strategies are healthy in any way.This is just how I have been able to continue to live. I don’t like life and I haven’t for many years. I dread each day before it even begins and to make the day manageable I self medicate.

I use three substances on a regular basis: Diazepam, Codeine and Alcohol.

As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I begin to panic, just because I’m alive. If I have to go out I’ll take a Diaz before I walk out the door. The Diaz just calms the mind a little bit. not a lot though. I don’t get any sedating sensations and It doesn’t calm my emotions, just my thoughts.

Once I’m in contact with people my Social Anxiety kicks in and things start feeling very overwhelming; this is when I pop some Codeine. I don’t use Codeine for physical pain just to take away the panic. For me the Codeine calms the emotions a little. Helps me tune down the anxiety and relax. stops me from being so restless. Helps me control myself.

Once I’m back home and alone I can start drinking, this is normally by 1pm and I’ll continue to drink until I go to bed. Bed time is normally when I feel the worst; bed time is when I start to dread the next day. If I don’t self medicate I don’t think I would cope. I have tried many anti-depressants and the side effects were always worse than the mental illness, or made the illness worse.

Along with my self medicating I see a Psychotherapist once a week. we don’t really do therapy as such. I just talk. Talk about whatever comes to my mind at the time. I don’t really have much human contact other than my therapist so I’m kind of just paying $90 a week to have a conversation that normal people would just have with their family or friends.

Finally I spend most of my time playing the playstation. Playing games helps to distract me from any thoughts and emotions. I do get a little bored and agitated at times but I just haven’t been able to find any other activity that I can immerse myself in enough to distract me.

That’s pretty much it.

What do you do to manage?

photo

Now for a Whiskey.

I think I’m done with this life

I think I’m done with this life. I can’t find anything to live for. I have nothing to offer. I have no motivation, I have no passions, and I have no feeling of hope. The only thing I do have is fear of death. I guess I have to try and get over this fear of death so I can finally find some peace.
Everything feels really overwhelming. It’s a struggle to get dressed, eat, go out, tidy, go to bed. Everything is a struggle. So I don’t do anything.
I’m getting fat, I hate fat. Can’t get motivation to do anything about it. I drink too much. I need to walk the dogs. I don’t even have a job.
I’m 28. Wish I would die. I just want to drop dead and not have to do it myself. Somebody shoot me.