In this post I am going to try and outline what I do to stay relatively sane through my struggles with anxiety, depression, dissociation, PTSD and Agoraphobia; well they are the boxes the professionals have put me in anyway. My coping strategies are probably strategies to stay clear off, i’m not claiming these strategies are healthy in any way.This is just how I have been able to continue to live. I don’t like life and I haven’t for many years. I dread each day before it even begins and to make the day manageable I self medicate.
I use three substances on a regular basis: Diazepam, Codeine and Alcohol.
As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I begin to panic, just because I’m alive. If I have to go out I’ll take a Diaz before I walk out the door. The Diaz just calms the mind a little bit. not a lot though. I don’t get any sedating sensations and It doesn’t calm my emotions, just my thoughts.
Once I’m in contact with people my Social Anxiety kicks in and things start feeling very overwhelming; this is when I pop some Codeine. I don’t use Codeine for physical pain just to take away the panic. For me the Codeine calms the emotions a little. Helps me tune down the anxiety and relax. stops me from being so restless. Helps me control myself.
Once I’m back home and alone I can start drinking, this is normally by 1pm and I’ll continue to drink until I go to bed. Bed time is normally when I feel the worst; bed time is when I start to dread the next day. If I don’t self medicate I don’t think I would cope. I have tried many anti-depressants and the side effects were always worse than the mental illness, or made the illness worse.
Along with my self medicating I see a Psychotherapist once a week. we don’t really do therapy as such. I just talk. Talk about whatever comes to my mind at the time. I don’t really have much human contact other than my therapist so I’m kind of just paying $90 a week to have a conversation that normal people would just have with their family or friends.
Finally I spend most of my time playing the playstation. Playing games helps to distract me from any thoughts and emotions. I do get a little bored and agitated at times but I just haven’t been able to find any other activity that I can immerse myself in enough to distract me.
That’s pretty much it.
What do you do to manage?
Now for a Whiskey.