So far, so good. It feels good to have a little bit of control over my life and not wake up every morning in regret. This is what my week has consisted of:
There is probably more but like I say, forgetfulness…..
So it’s been a day or two since my last post. I’ve now been Sober 5 days… I think. Days have become a little foggy. I’m not sure if this dazed feeling is alcohol withdrawal or the diazepam building up in my system.
Tonight I had a few more cravings than normal, this will be due to spending the day and most the night alone. I would always drink alone. The cravings were soon killed with an intense pain in my abdomen. I was in so much pain I was in tears for a good hour and contemplating a trip to the hospital. I gave it a bit more time and the pain become less severe. I am assuming it is due to the changes from my liquid only diet now causing some constipation… I hope.
Other than the cravings, pain and increased anxiety I’m doing pretty good.
It soothes the pain, it helps me be.
The mind deactivates, it just takes one drink.
The dog starts to bark, I don’t care.
I feel like a tiger, I have no fear.
Life’s too short to make these rules,
Restrict myself and I’ll just fall.
Fall the the power I feel I have,
Fall from the elevation I now have.
What’s the point, I can’t pass.
I can’t meet the expectations, it cannot last.
Life will be easy if I can give up the care,
Live for the day, pretend there’s no fear.
Just one drink is all it takes;
Be free
Frankly I feel like shit. I don’t see much of a point in staying strong today. Sometimes self destruction feels like good pain relief from emotional troubles. The Diazepam isn’t doing anything. Probably because I’ve been having it daily. My partner left for work in a shit because she got offended with something I said; that makes me feel shittier.
I just don’t know how to ease these horrible feelings in a healthy productive way. Oh we’ll this is life I guess.
I was planning on making an exception to not drinking today anyway. It’s confirmation date for the sale of our commercial building. Grandad has told me to loosen the whiskey bottle.
Such an internal struggle.
I do feel a little better after writing this post, thanks blog.
Yes that is a picture of my beer fridge.
Both of my parents and everyone I respected as a child had an addiction to something that was killing them. Substance abuse was the only thing I knew, the only coping mechanism I saw.
I hated my father for his alcoholism and the grief my family went through because of it. It resulted in my mother being a total bitch most of the time. She was so depressed and anxious because my father was always drunk, sleeping around and could disappear for weeks on end. She took a lot of her anger out on me, I resented her for that.
My father would choose the drink over the family. My mother would choose the smokes over the family.
My mum was diagnosed with emphysema at 30 and given 2 years to live. She could have quit and they would have put her on the waiting list for a lung transplant; she didn’t quit. She lasted another 18 years and died at the age of 48. This was 2 years ago this Sunday.
For the last few years of her life she relied on me a lot. My life was put on pause as I did most things for her from helping her dress to driving her to appointments. Every few months she was rushed to hospital. At one point she had a respiratory arrest in my arms. They managed to resuscitate her that time. But wondering which week she was going to die was at the forefront of my mind for many years.
In the last two years I don’t think I’ve done much grieving, I guess I didn’t have a lot of time to think about how I felt.
I have had to deal with a lot of death, one year I had 5 family members die. Cancer, bloodclots, heart attacks. Now mum is gone, I don’t feel like I have many of my family left in my life. I have my grandad, but he’s getting pretty old.
The other day I was talking to an old friend about trying for a baby this year; she mentioned how it must be hard to think I won’t have my mum to help me out. Shit…. Hadn’t thought of that.
Maybe I shouldn’t put anymore of my crazy family genes into this world.
At least I’m trying to make changes so hopefully I won’t end up like my parents.
Very good watch.
My body has been so used to being filled with liquid calories from the copious amounts of beer I was drinking. Now that I have stopped, I am so hungry. My usual day used to consist of consuming engery drinks from morning till afternoon, then moving on to beer in the evening and only eating one small meal. Now the beer is gone, the hunger has set in. My stomach gets to the point of feeling like its about to self destruct. I actually need to eat during the day now!
Ill be dealing with a food addiction next.
Over the past couple of years my life has consisted mostly of playing the playstation and drinking beer; My anxiety has prevented me from doing much more.
309 days ago I managed to achieve what I thought was impossible for me, I quit smoking.Quitting smoking is hard on its own but when you feel you have no control over your life or emotions and suffer from mental illness, quitting anything is really hard work. But somehow I managed.
Now I’m making my next big change. I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in 8 days. All I feel like doing right now is getting shit faced. My anxiety levels are high and Benzos don’t relax me. The only thing I feel relaxes me is Codeine, but I can’t really keep popping that as a sedative. The doctor might decide to stop prescribing it.
Another change which I’m trying to achieve is finding employment. This is where most of my anxiety has stemmed from today; I phoned a company in response to an application I sent in. I HATE talking on the phone. I was doing ok until the lady asked me “why do you think you are the best candidate for this position?”, I froze a little and talked shit; I don’t think I’ll be getting that job. I have never had to go through an application process for work before and so far I’m hating it. I feel fake, like i’m lying when I talk about skills and all that shit. I don’t feel like I’d benefit any company.
If I don’t try and make some changes in my life, I will continue to get increased anxiety, panic and depression; I hate myself enough now, if I can’t make it a little better I may as well quit living.
For the past two weeks I could be mistaken for somebody “normal”. I have been leaving the house, talking to others and not being so much of a bitch. I’ve started a carpentry course and have some work lined up building a home. I’ve gone from leaving the house once a week to see my therapist, to leaving the house for over 9 hours a day. I’ve meet some new people and did so quite easily. I even went out the other day for a beer with a couple of them. I haven’t felt any need to run away like I normally do in social situations but I am starting to feel uneasy. As I get to know these people a little more I’m getting hard on my self, I say things to myself like “you fucking cunt”, “fuck you”, “you’re a fucking freak”. I feel like a loser, an arrogant arsehole.
They also go on a bit about fat people, this makes me feel uneasy and offended, not because I’m excessively large but because my partner is. I tell them not to be arseholes about that sort of thing but then I feel like a real freak. Yesterday a couple of them added me to Facebook and I accepted but felt anxious. I don’t want them to talk about me or my fat partner. It’s hard to remember that what they think and say doesn’t actually matter.
Surviving Truth 