Over the past couple of years my life has consisted mostly of playing the playstation and drinking beer; My anxiety has prevented me from doing much more.
309 days ago I managed to achieve what I thought was impossible for me, I quit smoking.Quitting smoking is hard on its own but when you feel you have no control over your life or emotions and suffer from mental illness, quitting anything is really hard work. But somehow I managed.
Now I’m making my next big change. I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in 8 days. All I feel like doing right now is getting shit faced. My anxiety levels are high and Benzos don’t relax me. The only thing I feel relaxes me is Codeine, but I can’t really keep popping that as a sedative. The doctor might decide to stop prescribing it.
Another change which I’m trying to achieve is finding employment. This is where most of my anxiety has stemmed from today; I phoned a company in response to an application I sent in. I HATE talking on the phone. I was doing ok until the lady asked me “why do you think you are the best candidate for this position?”, I froze a little and talked shit; I don’t think I’ll be getting that job. I have never had to go through an application process for work before and so far I’m hating it. I feel fake, like i’m lying when I talk about skills and all that shit. I don’t feel like I’d benefit any company.
If I don’t try and make some changes in my life, I will continue to get increased anxiety, panic and depression; I hate myself enough now, if I can’t make it a little better I may as well quit living.
Surviving Truth 