_ _ _ _ / _ _ _

Fuck you

Fuck you and your racing thoughts
Fuck you and your speeding heart
Fuck you and your restless body
Fuck you and fuck your life
Fuck me, what is the point
Fuck me
Fuck this life

I quit
You judge
I judge
You quit

No hope

Everything is together
Everything has falling apart
Together
Apart
Together
Apart

One second ok
One second fucked
Ok
Fucked
Ok
Fucked

It’s not ok
It’s not together long enough

Intellectually intelligent
Mentally and emotionally dumb

Fuck you, I hate you
You and I, me, you, fuck you.

Social Anxiety

Leaving a social situation triggers a lot of anxiety. Suddenly I become overwhelmed by reality. Everything that I’ve said and done goes over and over in my head. I start swearing and cursing myself. “I fucking hate you”, “your a stupid fucking cunt”, “fuck you”. I second I am alone I race to get a drink, for some reason I think the alcohol will calm my mind; instead it just dehydrates me. Because I’ve had too much to drink I don’t want to take my benzos.
It’s getting worse.
I don’t know how to get better.
My therapist is on holiday.
I’m trying to sort myself out.
I tried to work but failed.
I feel like a useless cunt.
Good for nothing.
I start something, get anxious and quit.

Help

If you experience any of this, please comment and let me know how you cope. Life just don’t seem worth the effort at the moment.
I’m sick of having no income, can’t get a benefit and relying on my partner. But being around people is a difficulty.

Caffeine and Anxiety

Most of us know that too much caffeine causes anxiety, and for those of us with mental illness the extra anxiety will make a destructive difference.
This evening I had to rub shoulders with some important and wealthy people, most of them I had never met. For me mingling with such people causes a backlash of anxiety at the best of times; this time I had had one too many energy drinks and three hours later I’m still feeling shaky and on edge.
There is no way of calming my body and mind, I just have to ride it out. I’ve had some water, sedatives and now trying to relax on the couch. From past experience, I wont be sleeping any time soon.
I thought I would have learned these lessons by now, I shouldn’t drink the shit.
Anxiety and caffeine… Bad combination .

Normal life

For the past two weeks I could be mistaken for somebody “normal”. I have been leaving the house, talking to others and not being so much of a bitch. I’ve started a carpentry course and have some work lined up building a home. I’ve gone from leaving the house once a week to see my therapist, to leaving the house for over 9 hours a day. I’ve meet some new people and did so quite easily. I even went out the other day for a beer with a couple of them. I haven’t felt any need to run away like I normally do in social situations but I am starting to feel uneasy. As I get to know these people a little more I’m getting hard on my self, I say things to myself like “you fucking cunt”, “fuck you”, “you’re a fucking freak”. I feel like a loser, an arrogant arsehole.
They also go on a bit about fat people, this makes me feel uneasy and offended, not because I’m excessively large but because my partner is. I tell them not to be arseholes about that sort of thing but then I feel like a real freak. Yesterday a couple of them added me to Facebook and I accepted but felt anxious. I don’t want them to talk about me or my fat partner. It’s hard to remember that what they think and say doesn’t actually matter.